Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: Do you swallow?

Me: Every time I chew.

Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.

Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.

people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed

You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.

People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”

Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.

“any ideas?”

let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings

“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”

my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”

Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke

[harry potter, college edition]

Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-

Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already

Voldemort: wh-what

Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications

Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind

I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?

I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.

I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.

A mustache is just mouth bangs.

My Kids: Close enough

*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home

How to sex:

Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger

cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”

interviewer: what are some of your strengths

me: i’m really good at making people question their reality

interviewer: what does that mean

me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you

me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*

*looks at recipe prep time: 10 minutes*

*two hours later*

Me: LIAR!

checking my bank account to see how ethical i want to be with my egg purchase

Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”

During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.

It just seems like one would see a lot more data while flying through the clouds.

Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*

(Entering heaven)

Jesus: You made it! One last piece of admin, can you show me your draft tweets?

Me: Ok so I just go down the stairs and keep going until warm right?

Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.

Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.

[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?

Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em

You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.