Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BETRAYAL

Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”

Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv

“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother

As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that

Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit

As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?

Met a drunk girl earlier who had a “half therapy dog” bc it had gone through part of the therapy dog training and then just decided to become a regular dog

Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-

[semi-truck drives by]

Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?

*bumpes into my ex on the street

*dials a number

Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!

Me: I brought hay, but I don’t think I can fit much inside me.

HR: Did… did you think we were hiring an assistant manger?

[my last day as a transplant surgeon]

Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”

8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?

Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.

[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH

In 2024 a leather ‘mosh pit diaper’ went on sale, aimed at adults who didn’t want to queue for toilets at concerts. It sold out within 24 hours.

me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos

Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?

Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.

[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”

The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking

*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*

I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed

Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.

If you are reading this then you are reading this

I am a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.

Genius.

Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness

– Romayo and Juliet

Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby

*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?

Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.

Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…

Me: exactly

Teller:…

Me: Can I still have a lollipop?

*being born

my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT