Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class

“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.

The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.

I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.

Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.

WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again

Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.

It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.

i said it’s my favorite movie, i didn’t say it was good

There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.

Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON

Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…

[Weekend in NYC with my wife]

Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?

Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue

Adhd brain is amusing.

I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.

so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it

My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.

Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.

I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues

I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.

You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.

Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.

ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish

CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this

While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.

Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot

Breaking news:

I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.

*From me

No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.

7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside

ME: [explains daylight savings time]

7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.

If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.

my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no