When a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. She will love that.
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When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
When I am served half an egg at a restaurant,
I wonder to myself:
Who has the other half of my egg?
Two strangers;
Living their lives;
Sharing an egg.
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
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Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.