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“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
Me: “you can’t just buy my forgiveness with cheese”
2 minutes later Me: “ok you can, this is some damn good cheese”
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
trivia
Beware…..
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
So wait, witch. You’re telling me I should only drive a stick?
OK Broomer
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.