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Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
[adds another nod to the conversation]
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
Said the murderer.
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
sneaking therapy tips into conversation with my mom like how u give a dog a pill wrapped in cream cheese
In the past, people had to eat lawn clippings and drink boiling water separately. The invention of tea bags was a big time saver.
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
I’ve watched so many docuseries about cults lately, I think I would be good at it, you know, as a member. Honestly, cults look like a blast at the beginning and middle just before all the crimes start.
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.