When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
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Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
Buck naked
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
[getting shot out of a cannon] *to my date* I’ll call you when I land, Denise.
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
Me: For the twelfth day of Christmas, I got…
My true love: IF IT’S ANOTHER BIRD, I’M GOING TO LOSE MY SHIT.
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
I’ve had so much tea trying to get rid of this cold that I’m now speaking with a British accent and am fascinated with the Royal family.
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?