Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.

My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.

But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.

My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful

surgeon: this man has a broken leg

horse surgeon intern: oh no

surgeon: which we can easily fix

horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?

I cannot call her anything else now

….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.

The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”

The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.

Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country

looking at weird sushi roll names and uh

be myself? the person who got me into this mess????

*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*

“Seize the day!”

No thank you. I will leave the day alone and hope it extends me the same courtesy.

So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”

*buys shed at B&Q*

B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?

Me: No, it’s going in the garden.

B&Q:

Me:

B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.

My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.

There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geese

Guess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.

my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:

· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750

me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.

kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum

mom: who?

kid: grandma. she’s coming back

mom: honey grandma died years ago

[urn falls off mantle]

mom: get the—

kid: —vacuum?

just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know

What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.

Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake

Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back

“I swear to God I will turn this car around”

Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*

*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity

if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night

As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.

Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child

How my 7 year old plays board games:

Rolls a 6.

Counts to 6.

Moves his piece wherever he wants.