Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why are coroners in movies always eating sandwiches? Anyway… Good Morning.

DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”

Click on account

Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girl

Me: Okay, I can work with this.

My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.

GRAVES.

The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.

going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early

“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up

Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”

so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy

Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said

Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:

The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.

Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”

Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.

Well, boo hoo.

My dad was actively aggressive.

Just ask my hand.

On the face of it alcohol is so funny – you can take a potion that makes you so good at driving the government has to make it illegal

How my wife saves money:

Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.

Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?

*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*

Stop correcting my vodkabulary

respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”

Saw someone get offended online and comment “two shay” and I can’t stop thinking about it

8yo: You’re annoying me!

10yo: No, you’re annoying me!

Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.

being a social worker is crazy because those are literally my 2 least favorite things

If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.

We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.

Let’s see if he notices.

I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.

DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes

me: return of the mack.

cashier: receipt of the mack?

*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?

FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?

ME: She’s a real queen bee.

FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.

*a faint buzzing from my pocket*

ME: Dude, she’s right here.

My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder

So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now

Life plan:

1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!