Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.

There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx

Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.

There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.

in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting

Explaining to my wife that she should induce labor now so our son will be the first kid named Cybertruck.

Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.

Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.

Chicken Widow: BUT WHY

Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.

FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swear

ME: is it your liver & kidneys?

i bet it’s your liver & kidneys

At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?

Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.

I put a worm in water and it lived. I put a worm in bourbon and it died. So… if I drink bourbon I won’t get worms.

Date: everything ok?

Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife

Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?

Me: tonight if you play your cards right

For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.

Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?

I just did.

Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦‍♂️😂

[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese

Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*

Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?

Yo. I spit out my drink 😂

One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan

I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.

Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..

If you find yourself in a really awkward conversation do what I do; put your pants back on and leave.

So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”

Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why

McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back

Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.

Donuts have holes in them just like acoustic guitars but that’s pretty much where the similarities end

GOD: I call them Water Buffalo

ANGEL: But they live on land

GOD: Yep

ANGEL:

GOD:

ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u

GOD: Not a bit

Him: Send me a shower pic

Me: