Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.

Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started

I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?

Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry

According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.

jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.

– looking for shells on the north pole beach

Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”

*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*

If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter

[first date]

ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher

HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-

ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS

Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.

Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.

I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.

God: you’re a decapod.

Crab: what does that mean?

God: it means you have 10 legs.

Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.

God: at least you don’t have a hundred.

Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?

Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?

Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?

Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.

I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.

Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?

customer: have you worked here a long time

me, a waiter: 14 years sir

customer: wow ok what do you recommend

me: finishing college

there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples

KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here

ME: Oh no!

WIFE: Talk to him

ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE

HR gave me some amazing advice for dealing with stress. It really works. To release anger, just write letters to the people you hate then burn them. Not sure what you do with the letters though.

me: do you have a blowup mattress?

host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.

me: hahaha

host: hahaha

me: (nervous sweating)

Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”

[Army Shooting Range]

Officer: Are you locked & loaded?

Soldiers: YES SIR!

Officer: You may fire at will!

Soldier Named Will: WTF?

Never date someone just for their body. Intros, conclusions, and section transitions matter.

Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.

My wife working in our garden: How does it look?

Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.

If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.

Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”

Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”

professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-

me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it

professor: okay there is one stupid question