When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
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If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.