When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
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[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
Planet of the Apps.
A comic by Hugleikur Dagsson
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
🤣
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
Eating for two.
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋