When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
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We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
It just seems like one would see a lot more data while flying through the clouds.
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
ＮＯＡＨ．ＴＨＥＹ ＨＡＶＥ ＴＯ ＢＥ ＡＬＩＶＥ
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
thank god
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread