Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

He’s been in and out of rehab for 15 years, has had multiple run-ins with the law, eats human flesh and never sleeps. Women: I’ll fix him.

When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.

whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.

Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0

exec: any ideas for new kids shows

writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster

exec: nice. what else?

writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite

exec: love it. any more?

writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun

One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.

*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY

I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.

I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.

I am not a smart woman.

Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.

This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.

dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife

I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.

My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.

The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.

me: alexa

alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-

me: is it okay to microwave glass

alexa: for how long

The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.

I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”

If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.

FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.

[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside

[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!

How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.

Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?

Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?

I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.

50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.

50% is begging them to be quiet.

PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.

when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one

Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube

“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”

–a nice waiter or a bad mortician

Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.