When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
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My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
when you don’t want to be too vague
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
we’ve been teaching the 2 yr old about cutlery and setting the table for supper and, well,
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
What do you call it when one banana eats another?
Cannibananabalism.
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.