When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
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Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
british sex workers really pound for pound
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
Whether you rip off a bandaid quickly or slowly, I find it’s best to ask the wearer’s permission first.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
I’m having an out of money experience.
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels