Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.

DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.

ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?

When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”

If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.

“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”

*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*

Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.

Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough

Satan: what

as is their right

I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.

[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]

“STOP COPYING ME!”

I yell, as my car spins out of control.

Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*

Cashier: you must be single?

Me: yes, lol. How did you know?

Cashier: you’re ugly.

You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac

Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds

“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.

the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us

[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box

ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?

VICTIM: No

ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.

Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness

Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??

We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.

“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”

-first rule of Sprite Club

[ riding into battle ]

YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY

They should make a movie where Hannibal becomes giant and is eating everyone. Then he watches the Ring tape on a giant screen and Sadako comes out and is huge and they fight

My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”

Coronavirus: LOL.

There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.

(pouring whiskey)

Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?

Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.

Wife:

Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.

INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”

ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel

Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.

Me: that’s riddikulus lol.

Wife:

Me:

Wife:

Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.

I just love that new Pope smell.