When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
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Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
Thinking about that one comedy anime gag that always seemed to show up in the 2000s, I never knew what that was called
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
Why does laundry happen to good people?
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.