When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
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[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
termites walking up to the ark: two please
noah: any dietary restrictions?
termite: yeah we only eat woo—
noah:
termite: *noticing sheep* —ool. wool
noah:
termites:
noah: *getting down real close* stay the hell out of my sweaters
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
Should I be disturbed by the way my 8-year-old daughter plays doctor? I was her patient today, and she just made me fill out forms the whole time.
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling