When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”

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I always get “never shake a baby” and “cats always land on their feet” mixed up. Anyways I need a lawyer.


I hate when films say ” ‘MAY’ contain nudity?”

Either it does or it doesn’t.



I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”


So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?


Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.


If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.


I picked up an ice cream cake & the cashier said keep it in the freezer until serving so it doesn’t melt. I’ve got to start dressing smarter


I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.


If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president