@TheTweetOfGod

When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”

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@3sunzzz

I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.

@GregHenchman

When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:

“OK.”

@Canadian_Cutie_

If I have learned anything in life it’s don’t throw away your fat clothes

@markhoppus

Cinderella, but the Prince is searching for the maiden who matches the glass thigh gap.

@SJSchauer

*first date*

Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money

Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body

@iwearpajamas

I’ve been working on a new type of martial arts that involves the taking of money from Hispanics.

TakeJuan’sdough.

@Tommytoughstuff

[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*

@pizzajaynow

Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”

Him: “What kind of car trouble?”

Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”

@Shen_the_Bird

robber: alright everybody hit the floor!

me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come