When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
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This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.