@TheTweetOfGod

When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”

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@ilovepie84

I always get “never shake a baby” and “cats always land on their feet” mixed up. Anyways I need a lawyer.

@iGreenMonk

I hate when films say ” ‘MAY’ contain nudity?”

Either it does or it doesn’t.

DON’T WASTE MY TIME

@ianabramson

I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”

@adamgreattweet

So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?

@Peauxtassium

Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.

@_Tempo11

If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.

@jjhartinger

I picked up an ice cream cake & the cashier said keep it in the freezer until serving so it doesn’t melt. I’ve got to start dressing smarter

@Kryzazy

I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.

@TheDweck

If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president