@TheTweetOfGod

When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”

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@junejuly12

*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.

[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?

@ChrisStokdyk

“This website requires Java”

*gets cup of coffee*

“This website requires Java”

*looks at coffee*

*throws coffee at monitor*

@Izianikapani

My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.

@brycoo

[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.

@UncleDuke1969

[bedtime]

SON: I want a monster story.

ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”

@HowToBeADad

Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.

@LlamaInaTux

Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?

Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends

Lawyer: remember, you took an oath

Me: just one friend

Lawyer: an oath on the Bible

Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom

@pixelatedboat

Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*

@SirEviscerate

*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?