I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
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When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
If I have learned anything in life it’s don’t throw away your fat clothes
Cinderella, but the Prince is searching for the maiden who matches the glass thigh gap.
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
I’ve been working on a new type of martial arts that involves the taking of money from Hispanics.
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come