When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
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A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
What if you’re only given pork to eat in the afterlife? Would that be eternal hamnation?
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
new career option?
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
FOOD HACK: If you are at a restaurant tell the server “I would like two beers and fries” and they will bring you an order of fries and also two beers. This works at most restaurants.
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.