Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.

Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon

Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn

My boss is having a colonoscopy today.

I sure hope they find his head.

My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.

Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?

I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.

Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands

Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries

Netflix: We have Less

For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.

I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.

I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.

Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?

Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation

[Flashback]

King Solomon: more porcupines

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup

If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”

I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.

DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work

Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married

Me: guess who I bumped into at the store

My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone

I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid

[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy

I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.

The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.

Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”

how to fall down a long set of stairs:

step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26

Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?

Me: Nice try, Santa.

When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.

*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the

Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey