Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.

A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.

[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”

She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.

I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.

Her: you ever done hot yoga?

*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*

Pretty sure

I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work

If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him

I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.

My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.

My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.

a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen

*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*

Wife: who are all these children?

Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids

Wife: I meant our kids

Me: yeah, that makes more sense

If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…

Maybe he’s not the only idiot.

Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL

They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.

[2 Years into Cosmetology School]

Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?

In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.

M: I’m gonna go relax

H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help

[Police Line up]

Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off

Me:

Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*

I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…

Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these

Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.

Me: Absolutely. Email me?

I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now

Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively

Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company

*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?

If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.

I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles