When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.

When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.


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Listen up, bagel man. We’ve got a good thing going here so let’s not mess it up by you asking if I want the fat free cream cheese instead.


Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.


Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?


I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.


me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia

therapist: you might be getting carried away

me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight


You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.


Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.


Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!


Fairly certain this toddler staring at me across this waiting room wants to start some shit.