@thepaulahunt

When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.

When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.

Fine.

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@Karissajem

Listen up, bagel man. We’ve got a good thing going here so let’s not mess it up by you asking if I want the fat free cream cheese instead.

@cambuslad

Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.

@AmandaRNH

Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?

@LizHackett

I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.

@Browtweaten

me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia

therapist: you might be getting carried away

me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight

@AnniemuMary

You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.

@TragicAllyHere

Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.

@TuSoonShakur

Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!

@R0ckG0d88

Fairly certain this toddler staring at me across this waiting room wants to start some shit.