Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”

“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.

My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war

Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.

Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die

Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.

[after sex]
her: you were really loud

me: *putting down my trombone* yep

Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*

Me: What?

me: come back to my place?

her: sure

me: it’s not haunted

her: what

me: no ghosts

A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.

I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.

I don’t remember if I took my pills, but I can’t check because I can’t remember where I put my glasses.

Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.

Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.

Today, Mike is missing.

Don’t be like Mike.

Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.

I’ve reached the part of my summer where I’m excited that I’ll soon be able to stop checking my kids’s heads for ticks and go back to just checking for lice

Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat

If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you

*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY

My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.

I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.

Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.

Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.

Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂

[high school]

Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs

Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank

DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.

#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!

The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof

I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”

“Have you seen my thumb ring?”

~ my proctologist

*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.