When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
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Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I鈥橵E JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment鈥檚 peace and destroy all our stuff?
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 馃馃槀
Can鈥檛 wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it鈥檚 a good thing you didn鈥檛 become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma鈥檚 probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 馃槉馃槉馃槉
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
Wise advice
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions