When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
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The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
Halifax authorities had to remove a deer from a downtown bar. Proving once and for all that Halifax bouncers don’t check IDs.
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
How do I get people to bring me various casseroles without hosting a wake?