When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
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I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
God making man in his image was the original selfie
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
I already know how it will end…
One of my children will unplug my life support to charge their phone.
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
if someone would only design a type of headwear with some sort of built-in device to block the sun they’d probably make a fortune
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do