When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
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I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
craving $300 all of a sudden
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
Hm.
No kidding?
HUH.
Really?
Wow, I did not know that.– me, reading my daughter’s Driver’s Ed textbook
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
this is what they would have looked like, though
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
Fact: The reason the giant A380 has an 2nd floor is because, if it didn’t, the people above would fall on the people below. Idiot.
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time