When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
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When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
Today I realised that fire engines don’t carry the water in the fire engine with them. Thought fire hydrants were an American thing. Didn’t realise we had them in the UK. I’m 36 and have two first class degrees
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Don’t talk to me about pain, I once had to teach my boomer mother that she can rewind her tv program and kept repeating “NO it WON’T effect anyone else who is watching it, mum”
what it’s like dating me:
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
#oldknees
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Morningbreath
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Me: *staring at leftovers* I think I’ll save the rest of this for later.
[10 mins later]
Also me: I guess this is later enough.
I warned you I would betray you over potatoes, this is on you.
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who