When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
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My humor is broken
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
Terminator: [arriving in 2024, current timeline] yikes, send me back
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
I’ve started taking a brisk walk straight after dinner and it’s saving me an absolute fortune on restaurant bills.
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
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Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster