When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
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student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
Brussels sprouts were invented by big cabbage to sell little cabbages.
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
The opposite of goth is stopth.
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
angry women in movies can cut their hair with a hunting knife over a dirty bathroom sink and look incredible, but when I have scissors and a mirror and all the time in the world I look like lord farquaad if he got caught in a lawn mower
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
He died doing what he loved: being alive
#oldknees
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
me: i gave you the wrong mixtape
gf: all of these songs are about eating a sandwich
me: i know
gf: how are there so many
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.