When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
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My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
“Ooh, you’ve caught the sun”
Translation: You look like you’ve been swimming in a volcano
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
I wish my 3yo ate dinner as well as he eats toothpaste
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
I asked my mom what she was doing and she said oh just watching trail cam footage and I asked of what? And she said, of a man stealing a trail cam.
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
Remember the first day of school when you’d show up with your pencil case, your rucksack and your Flash Speed Mop?
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…