When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
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passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
The USS B port
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
Fridgescaping- we stopped being able to afford to fill our fridge with groceries, so now we’re going to add some decorative yard sale finds to fill the void
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
My favorite part of Twisters was the throughline about the storm chasers being altruistic, ditching science to help people, like for instance telling them to go the opposite direction of the tornado, or find shelter, or “get down.” Where would these Oklahomans be without them
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.