When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
You Might Also Like
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
when you are just born a rebel
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
When I buy a multipack of lip balms, I put one in my purse and scatter the rest randomly around the house to save time from the inevitability of losing them.
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
no show does a misunderstanding/miscommunication plot better than modern family does 😭
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
everyone’s a critic
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
I don’t argue with my kids anymore. I just vacuum every surface of the living room while they’re trying to watch TV.
Frodo is a beautiful name for a boy. Has a ring to it.
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
asking my doctor to give me the Marilyn Manson rib removal surgery to make more room for the hotdog eating contest