Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.

And just as delicious.

You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork

A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.

My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.

GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT

if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us

CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi

This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.

I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.

Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread

I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin

Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.

Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*

The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.

I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”

kid: dad how do you make a bubble?

me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-

kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*

Faith can move mountains, but cash can move the paperwork.

In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.

I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right

Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.

Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.

My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.

Me:

[first day working in a restaurant]

me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*

cat: *reads sign*

me: oh no

Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.

i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog

Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.

I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”

More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?

Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*

I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.

One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.

MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…