Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
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In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.