When all else fails burn shit, people will forget how much of a failure you are when they see stuff on fire.

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Dog: I like pizza. Me: You’ve never had pizza. Dog: It’s food. Me: So? Dog: So I like it. Me: I’m not giving you my pizza.


Saw a guy with a barcode tattoo on his neck. Scanned it with my RedLaser app & he couldn’t believe I found him cheaper on 3 online stores


I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets


Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.


I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.

*tosses another water balloon from my roof


I’ve set my hair on fire lighting a cigarette before, so I’m always impressed when the movie-hero walks away from an explosion unharmed.


In the eye doctor waiting room with my mom. There’s apparently an old person throat clearing competition here today.


I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive


If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.