when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
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“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
Did my cat write this
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
monkey is a funny ass word and whoever named them that really killed it those things are monkeys for sure
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
grandparents are too precious for this world
i hope all the people who have me blocked because i annoy them are mad as hell they have to read this shit again. hi.
Breaking news:
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples