when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
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Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
[wedding vows]
Me: I vow to make sure you see the brake lights ahead of us.
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
Accurate
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
Bike is short for Bichael.
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.