when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
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Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
the three branches of government
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
