When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
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Persuading my cat to go outside in the cold is a bit like when I had to encourage my daughter to go down the slide when she was 5.
Go on.
You can do it.
Brave girl.
GO ON.
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
Doug is just Canadian for dog
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
*reading a bedtime story to kids in the 1800s*
little miss muffet sat on her tuffet eating her curds & whey when all of a sudden robert ford shot jesse james in the back as he was hanging a picture, suddenly making interior decorating one of the most dangerous jobs in america
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
The term “domestic housewife” implies that there are feral houswives and now i have a new goal
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
two people or more is called a problem
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
Our house is so messy that if we ever disappeared, the police would have no idea if there were “signs of a struggle”.
Instead of “Take Your Child To Work Day” there should be a “Take Your Therapist To Work Day” so they can see exactly what you’ve been talking about
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
A woof in sheep’s clothing.
There should be a reality show where project managers try to meet outrageous deadlines while developers keep introducing new features.
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?