when all you have is a rotisserie everything looks like a chicken
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Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
Money is the root of all wealth
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
you will never catch me dying in a cave or whilst climbing Mount Everest. you know who hasn’t suffered a gruesome death far in the caverns below ground? me, because I’m in my jim-jams, reading
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
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I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.