Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows

I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here

[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]

[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!

I’m not “passive aggressive”… would a passive aggressive person buy you these lovely wind chimes?

roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do

One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.

I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.

Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.

TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?

BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not

5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?

Me: Ye-

Husband: NO MORE BABIES.

Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.

Now picture them holding a pizza box.

Me: What does venison taste like?

Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.

[Later]

Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?

i think we should see other cousins

TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?

Women: no

TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people

Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW

Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.

Their girlfriends however… not so much.

RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him

Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this

Surely these children should be in bed by now?

– me, anytime after 4pm

Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind

“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.

I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.

Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus

You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.

Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.

People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie

“Your cute”
“My cute what?”

So UBER is not a dating app?

*sigh*

I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.

8: [gives dog good morning kisses]

wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!

8: the dog’s cute

me: everybody run

I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.