when all you have is a rotisserie everything looks like a chicken
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Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
Lazy? More like “selective participant” am I right?
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
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I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
Me: [Donating my body to science.]
Science: [Donating my body to Goodwill.]
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
“AI is future of art, music, and writing!”
The future:
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”