When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
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People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
In case anyone was wondering if I’m this bad in real life too
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone