Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday

I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby

Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”

Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.

[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?

Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me 

– Kanye West warming up

Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking

Not to get political, but my vote will go to the candidate who promises to pass a law making it illegal to earnestly call a sandwich a “sando.”

There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.

Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry

Hubs:

Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.

TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.

ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.

[Day at the beach]

*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *

6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home

Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.

[at home]

ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed

me: well..what’s the problem

ac repair guy: just shit in the filter

me: wait..to fix it??

What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision

doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job

Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.

Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.

Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.

The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.

If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.

BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house

[after dinner]

Mugger: gimme your wallet.

Me: can I keep my drivers license?

Mugger: fine.

Me: [velcro sound].

Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.

Me: oh.

Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.

Me: [velcro sound].

Mugger: you know what forget it.

we’re gonna need another temp

Mama Bear: The porridge is ready

Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours

Me: What’s for dinner?

Her: Chinese.

Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.

*catches duck
*fires up juicer

we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’

Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.

[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble

The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️

I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.

Ah, the suitcase at the end of the trip. Seeing all the things you brought but didn’t use. A time to reflect upon the lack of knowledge you have of yourself and the world around you.