Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.

So glad we cleared that up

Had to do a parent phone call today. The parent asked me why I was calling them about their child’s behavioral issues. I-

Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.

BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward

At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.

No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.

*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*

Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils

Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun

Cop: Was it a revolver?

Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal

You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?

I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.

I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”

My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.

Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.

Mad that at the end of BatB (Beauty and the Beast) the breaking of the spell turns all the furniture back into the Beast Prince’s staff and they all just continue to work there??? Buddy you’ve been a wardrobe for so many years why don’t you go and be free

why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house

[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony

My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?

When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?

February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*

Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …

Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.

Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.

My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?

11-year-old: I folded the laundry.

Me: You only folded one thing.

11: Is laundry plural?

Made something I’m not proud of

Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.

10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.

if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured

Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.