When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
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Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
every city is a walkable city if you’ve got big strong beefy legs and an indomitable human spirit like me. also broke and car-less
I bet
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
*jumps into an open grave to avoid small talk at a funeral*
AI is trained on what we write, so if we want to save our jobs we should all write really badly for a while. I’ve been doing my bit for years.
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.