Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry

Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.

So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.

I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference

I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.

[christmas break with my extended family]

*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!

Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem

Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.

*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.

I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again

*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*

Now love me.

**POOF**

*my left eyebrow falls off*

I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.

if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:

ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing

kale: smug sense of superiority

bacon: bacon

I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.

People who say “no pun intended” are weak. Intend your puns, you coward

Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.

(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.

it took me a moment to realize the NYPD commissioner who was just raided by the feds is the NYPD commissioner who succeeded the NYPD commissioner who was raided by the feds a few weeks ago and then resigned

I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.

Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars

How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?

Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?

i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long

[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before

Who called it cremation and not ashashination

7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.

I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.

me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?

him: no

me: they were a-salt-ed

him:

me: a-SALT-

him: leave

[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.

britain’s three elite institutions

Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.