Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sitting here eating blueberries

wondering if my brain is improving

Doubt it…..

took too long to spell doubt

People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.

Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.

Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.

Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…

Me: That’s all I got my man.

Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle

Friend: Don’t you mean angel?

M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180

I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.

*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*

Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.

I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.

[JOB INTERVIEW]

{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}

“What would you say is your biggest fault?”

San Andreas?

I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness

*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.

I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.

I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz

It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.

Really bruh?

Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣

One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’

MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger

Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol

cop: any drugs on u

me: on or in

cop: what

me: what

Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot

fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank

sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over

I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.

My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.

*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*

Repeat

Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”

Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]

Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.

I’m Local Man.

In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.

If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.

Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*