Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”

Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.

If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…

[MOM GROUP CHATS]

Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.

[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍

Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents

Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner

to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain

my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.

Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”

Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked

Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”

Me: “When can I start?”

[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]

Ahhhh, there it is…

Wife: Get off of me!!

I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.

I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.

[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]

Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji

I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework

KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it

MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious

I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!

Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.

if there is a particular food you would like your children to eat less, just go buy a massive box of it at Costco

Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.

Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?

Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.

Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.

Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.

astonishing how whenever you go to the post office the queue in front of you is made up almost entirely of people who appear to have ended up at the post office by accident, have in fact never visited a post office before, and have no idea what they want out of the experience

Me: 🎵 mama

My Mom: hi son

Me: 🎵 just killed a man

My Mom: new phone who dis

Stop sending me this shit.

I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.

God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?

Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.

If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.

Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.