Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me

How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.

Gary born

Gary child

Gary teenager

Gary middle-aged

Gary Oldman

me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]

[inventing worcestershire ​sauce]

Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.

Perrins: That might work.

oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode

Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.

Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy

Instagram is going to be wild when Millenials start scheduling their colonoscopies.

Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.

I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.

Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.

When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.

Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.

Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around

I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”

What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.

30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children

I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.

I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.

Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.

Good lord

Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.

Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow

What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?

if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body

as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default

I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.

God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’

I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.

fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring