When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
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I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
Wednesday
Growing up we didn’t have “influencers.” We watched a monster who binged on cookies and a pig who dated a singing frog. It was a simpler time.
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.