Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.

Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays

there’s nothing that turns me into a boomer faster than when a company’s customer service line doesn’t give me an option to speak with a real human. no I will not go to your website. I just came from your website. i will k*ll you

Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me

Sorry I made promises on Friday

Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself

AND

When a women asks if you notice anything different

I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.

Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.

You guys know your secrets are safe with me. It’s the people I share them with you can’t trust.

*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW

Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?

Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.

Therapist: what? No.

Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide

idk flipping houses looks really hard

Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs

just once id like to see people talking about a murder victim in an average way. like yeah tony always hated going food shopping. decent guy tho

Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.

Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.

Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?

Wife: Ewan McGreggor

Me: Thank you but you can only pick one

Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.

Date: So what do you do for fun?

Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.

I bring a box of bandaids with me to sprinkle about the pool to keep it from getting too crowded

I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.

I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.

ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species

wife: do u want a glass of water?

me: of what?

wife: water

me: a glass of what?

wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup

I’m not sure I believe all this stuff about genetically modified food being bad for you…

I had a tasty leg of salmon and I feel fine

Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”

Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”

I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.

[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat

Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.