When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
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A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? I don’t even know where I am right now.
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
Harsh but fair
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
thanks for ruining it for the rest of us, stacey
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.