Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?

Me: No, I’m good.

Husband: Are you sure?

Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…

and if you can a coke…

and a cheeseburger…

Can you also swing by Taco Bell?

I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”

I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.

Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?

Walk of shame

Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up

Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.

I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.

REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!

ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast

Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.

Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?

Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.

Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?

Boss: haha oh goodness no

a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug

Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..

[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face

*learning CPR*

CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.

Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.

James Blunt: you’re beautiful

James Blunter: I’ve seen better

a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.

My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.

Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.

Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.

Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday

My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.

I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.

It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.

I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”

Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….

If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !

My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.

Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.

If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first

“Bear with me”

-A Russian bear trainer

My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.