When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
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[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
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I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
My Guy
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
one thing I never see discussed in the remote vs office debate is the ability to have sex with my wife who also wfh during the day. much easier while the kids at school and huge boon for my productivity. not sure how to explain to my boss who wants me at the office more
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
Story idea: Man has his palm read, is told he will be killed within a year surrounded by penguins.
Man cancels his upcoming trip to Antarctica, avoids zoos, and then is shot dead at a Batman convention.
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
About to watch Tenet for the first time and I enjoyed it
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?