When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
My brain is a bad influence on me
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
Crow just flew by me carrying a whole bagel in his mouth and I cheered at the sky like my son just won a sports scholarship
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
I attended a workshop yesterday on how to deal with election anxiety and we basically had to make a written plan and most people were like “stay off social media” and I said, “I won’t start fights in the comments”
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
