When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
