Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

only targaryens can ride dragons?

explain this game of thrones

Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button

Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!

Job interviewer:…and a weakness?

If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D

I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”

So many things changing daily.

For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.

so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk

Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.

Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”

Worth the read.

*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*

Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.

Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.

Will you be my 14th most used emoji?

I only eat vegetarians.

My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss

Attending multiple open houses today… I’m going to walk into every empty room and ask “now does this come with the place?”

@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?

Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?

…

CIA: They’re*

ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!

Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.

Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?

♫When the moon hits your eye♫

You’ll be killed.

It’s massive.

Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.

Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.

Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families

[first day as geologist]

me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part

Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.

My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth

So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”