When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
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I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
“please don’t give me the ball, please don’t give me the ball”
-memories of playing high school sports
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
i’m not drinking 2% milk until we figure out what the other 98% is
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
I mean…but I did
