When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
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I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.