When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
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[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re low on eyes.
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
9yo: have you heard the song “I like big butts and I cannot lie”?
me: yes, but that song is inappropriate.
9yo: oh… so I should lie?
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.