When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
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At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
If you find what your other half shows you on their phone funny and they find what you show them on your phone funny, it’s an indication that you’re not married.
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
first you must answer his riddles
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator