Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.

“I’m not a fan.”

-air conditioner

Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.

12: I can’t wait to be an adult.

Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.

When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?

As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.

Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.

Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.

Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?

Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day

If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.

“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over

Life is like a box of chocolates. More expensive than I was expecting.

I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks

So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.

5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese

[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.

He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.

“NO SHIT!”

~Urinals

When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.

Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?

Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.

there are two kinds of people:

those who only want you for Christmas
and those who expect a fruit tree, a shit ton of birds, dancing servants, expensive jewelry, and a musical band

and they marry each other

everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything

[Halloween]

Lady: what are you this this year?

Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.

Lady: *faints*

Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”

A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”

I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.

Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children

My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.

George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”

So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.