Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them

Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?

That de-escalated quickly

[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]

Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.

Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity

[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”

In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.

“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket

Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!

Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂

three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs

[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]

Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.

Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000

Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024

“Notice the way he uses colors.”

“How??”

My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.

Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough

I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”

I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig

[first day as police sketch artist]

“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”

“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.

This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.

My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.

What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?

Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.

I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.

I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.

If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..

Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.

Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me

Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.

4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?

My wife: He cried the most.

Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.