When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
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One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay