When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
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Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
It’s Mental Health Day today.
– Sent from the app that literally causes anxiety.
Just added something to my bucket list.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
every video on here is a staged fight called something like “Was the Nurse Right to Yell at the Patient🤔” with 1.3M comments that say “imho if I were the nurse i would yell at the patient”
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
I’m gonna tell my kids these were the Avengers
