Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.

If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok

I have just finished interviewing a young man for a job at my workplace.

I asked him, “Can you perform under pressure?”

He replied: “Im not sure, but I do an amazing Bohemian Rhapsody!”

ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight

PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*

Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.

Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.

Me: Snow?

Bought some of that edible cookie dough.

Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.

Canadian winters be like:

Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.

I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.

And I’ve started drinking for evil.

THERAPIST: Anyways—

ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”

THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends

Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?

Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.

You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?

Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit

People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio

Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.

If the Universe is continuing to expand then why does my rent keep going up?

Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.

I’m not proud

I said “temperature’s dropped!” to someone I always pass on my walks and he replied, “I actually thought it was quite warm today”

That is NOT in the script. You’re meant to say “winter’s on the way” or “soon be Christmas” or “nights are drawing in”… something that roughly…

The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.

My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.

Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….

Brushing my daughter’s hair

Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.

Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home

Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.

The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.

6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.

[Central Park]

Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter

Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree

Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”

I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare

[day after the beast’s household got turned back into people]
beauty:

beast:

beauty:

beast:

beauty: …so we just don’t have cups now?

stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.