When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
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Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
What the hell is going on?
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
good news everyone
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
when you let your kid brother name your custom player
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.