When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
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Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure