When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
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[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
dude it’s called proctologist
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
How can I say no to this ?
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
We found love in a hopeless place.
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.