Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friday

Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive

when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters

Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there

Gonna tell my dentist that if I’m late, he should start without me.

Me, one day after taking the new blood test that tells you if you’re an idiot or not: science is actually really overrated.

“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.

“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.

I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.

“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”

*nothing on the kitchen table*

*nothing on the living room floor*

*nothing on the coffee table*

*nothing on the dining room table*

7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*

I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are

Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.

It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down

me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi

A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.

The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.

Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.

The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.

You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.

MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.

[at the pub]

I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.

Her: Quit talking to me

Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?

Her: Yes

Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?

I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.

Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.

*Reads your ransom note*

*Edits for grammar and punctuation*

You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.

[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right

Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.

Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head

Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies

A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities

You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..