When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
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[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
Them: The tables have turned
Me: HOW CAN YOU TELL, THEY ARE CIRCLES
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
mariah carrie
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
sry
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!